A couple of years ago, I began to hear little snippets of...direction, I'll call it. I would write it down, and then wait. During the first year, I would monthly receive more clarity. It would show up without fail just as I began to doubt the whole ordeal. During one of the early months the name Little Hearth was all I received, and so I've carried it with me since, not knowing exactly what it would entail or what it meant. I went back to school, and received more direction through the experience (I remembered my confidence there). Then, the entire year of 2011 was consumed by preparing for, and then executing a major family shift, and another, and another. The shifts kept coming and the direction fell silent. Everything fell silent. I felt completely awash without direction. I lost faith all over again in the idea of conscious living, and instead floated where the waves took me. It was exactly what I needed to do. I see that now.
As the year began to close, though, I felt an urgency that I noticed others were feeling as well. Things were about to change, and so I needed to in order to be ready for the new year would bring. I trusted, and I began to move. I followed my intuition to my bookshelf and pulled down a long shelved book. I dove in all over again new that this was the culmination of the growth that began the first time I picked it up years ago. I began to meditate daily. I came to terms with a long held notion that was clearly holding me back, and then I released it at solstice. On Christmas day, I knew for sure it was gone.
With the new year came new and specific direction, which I followed. It led me to one of the most intense periods of personal discovery I've ever experienced, and I hope it never ends. I know now that my first job here as a human being is to tend to my Little Hearth, my inner light, every single day, every single moment. The tending is what keeps me connected to God (Source, call it what you will or don't call it at all), and without it I am lost--looking for answers outside of myself and forgetting to check my inner compass for signs of truth. Nothing confuses my sense of direction more than that.
At the Hearth, I know that wherever I am, I am home. When I am at home with myself I honor God's amazing ability to never screw up when creating new people, and I unlock the door to the vast potential that lies within us all. When you see it in yourself you see it in others and you know you have to let it shine.
Written January 2012
For the last few weeks I've been spending a lot of time wading through a lot of crap I thought I was done wading through, but in an entirely new way. Early this month I approached my husband with the nagging feeling I'd been having. I simply was in need of help, mostly, I thought, to tie up the lose ends of a "sorting out" process I've been moving through for the past 7 years. I set up a consultation with Tara Wagner from the Organic Sister which catalyzed an intense and quick snowball down the mountain affect of internal manure shoveling. Yes, I just mentioned manure....I grew up on a farm. Most importantly, though, within a week of our first session, I had finally put my finger on the deep dark flesh eating parasite that was fueling so many of the inconsistencies I was manifesting in my life. It was SCARY. Like nightmare scary. And it was so worth it.
The decision I made to accept help rather than be the giver all the time...and to, yes, pay for the very specific support that I knew without a doubt that I needed was the best thing I have ever done for myself. Harnessing my bravery and sitting in that scary place, which is something I may not have been able to do for years (if ever), uncovered something that took me a while to get over. A while for me about a week (and another session). But acknowledging my needs, and responding to them, despite the frightful nature of the request I was making of myself, opened a door that has been boarded, glued, cemented, completely sealed, and it has me saying, "Hello world." "Nice to hear your voice clearly, intuition." "What's that you're telling me to do that has been so muffled even though you were screaming at me through the door? Yeah, I can do that. It doesn't seem so scary anymore."
And it has cleared my vision. Vision. I have it. Vision that makes sense for the present instead of some maybe day in the future. It's not exactly what I thought. It's not what I would have just randomly chosen, or what I had prepared for. It is mine, however, and I have direction, the first of which involves not dropping the ball on my own self care and development--ever.
Written Jan 2012
Last night while I was having a heart to heart with my husband (I love that I have a husband with whom I can have heart to hearts every single day), there arose this issue I tend to have with following. I have these ideas that to follow, or do like another does immediately makes me a poser. And, really, who likes a copycat? I went all frigid when Ollie said it out loud, "You need to not be afraid to be a follower, so what if you're not the one leading the charge." Well that's paraphrased, but that's the basic idea. Staying perfectly honest, I writhe at the idea of following anyone for any extended amount of time. What I carried away from the conversation, and what I'm simmering in the soup today is the knowledge that my insistence on forging a path that's *all mine*, sometimes with the militant idea that it's not okay to join in or belong, masks my habit of resistance to reaching out for the teaching of others; a resistance to seeking out help, to availing myself to my community. This, naturally, leads me to believe that I'm alone, that no one gets it, that if I'm going to do anything, by god, I'll have to do it alone. Of course, that's all nuts.
My words for this year are "Dynamic, Bold, Colorful, and Brilliant." As I begin to embrace what they really mean, what it really is that I'm being called to, a lot of so long accepted habits of thought and behavior are creeping up and revealing their true face. As I step more fully into myself, I am coming face to face with some long accepted shame, and everything that goes along with it. I'm finding out why it is that I've been diluting the version of myself that I present to most of the world, but most of all to myself.
I recently made some contact with some seriously dynamic women online. It was so great that I decided to invest more of my online time in being open to that "out there somewhere community" that flows nicely into my home via the internet. Even in the few short days since then, I am being taught that when I open my heart to what is around me, I have every single thing I need, and that if I exercise my ability to live boldly, my part in the play will arrive at my doorstep at just the right time, too.
I've gone back and forth about blogging again. My style tends to put a lot of my inner inquiring out there on the page, and I generally feel that people get the wrong idea about how my life looks in reality. However, there is a specific role I get to play in this Life, and I'm pretty sure all this thinking and sorting out has a lot to do with what it is I have to bring to the world at large. Everything else
is for my family right now. My energy, my work, even my craftiness is all being spent on my family. Like every other person in the world who is devoting all their energy to the cleaning, the cooking, the holding, the planning, the making, the care, I have mixed feelings about it. I sometimes...okay every single day....yearn for something more. I am getting the very real sense, though that if I bring my Self, boldly and brilliantly to surface, and let my colors shine, something dynamic will happen. I don't know if blogging will be a part of that. My intention is to use it as a personal tool, and exercise in using my voice, sometimes literally through videos. I don't intend to include pictures with the family, or very few, at least. This space is about my musings, and what it is to be human. My goal is to put my thoughts out there raw, unedited, and imperfect. I won't be dolling up for the videos, or polishing these sentences into perfect formation. I am more concerned about perfect and complete expression right now. I hope you'll find this space to be a place where you can express yourself without shame as well. All are welcome to comment, muse, disagree, whatever. Let's have a conversation.