Written Jan 2012
Last night while I was having a heart to heart with my husband (I love that I have a husband with whom I can have heart to hearts every single day), there arose this issue I tend to have with following. I have these ideas that to follow, or do like another does immediately makes me a poser. And, really, who likes a copycat? I went all frigid when Ollie said it out loud, "You need to not be afraid to be a follower, so what if you're not the one leading the charge." Well that's paraphrased, but that's the basic idea. Staying perfectly honest, I writhe at the idea of following anyone for any extended amount of time. What I carried away from the conversation, and what I'm simmering in the soup today is the knowledge that my insistence on forging a path that's *all mine*, sometimes with the militant idea that it's not okay to join in or belong, masks my habit of resistance to reaching out for the teaching of others; a resistance to seeking out help, to availing myself to my community. This, naturally, leads me to believe that I'm alone, that no one gets it, that if I'm going to do anything, by god, I'll have to do it alone. Of course, that's all nuts.
My words for this year are "Dynamic, Bold, Colorful, and Brilliant." As I begin to embrace what they really mean, what it really is that I'm being called to, a lot of so long accepted habits of thought and behavior are creeping up and revealing their true face. As I step more fully into myself, I am coming face to face with some long accepted shame, and everything that goes along with it. I'm finding out why it is that I've been diluting the version of myself that I present to most of the world, but most of all to myself.
I recently made some contact with some seriously dynamic women online. It was so great that I decided to invest more of my online time in being open to that "out there somewhere community" that flows nicely into my home via the internet. Even in the few short days since then, I am being taught that when I open my heart to what is around me, I have every single thing I need, and that if I exercise my ability to live boldly, my part in the play will arrive at my doorstep at just the right time, too.
I've gone back and forth about blogging again. My style tends to put a lot of my inner inquiring out there on the page, and I generally feel that people get the wrong idea about how my life looks in reality. However, there is a specific role I get to play in this Life, and I'm pretty sure all this thinking and sorting out has a lot to do with what it is I have to bring to the world at large. Everything else
is for my family right now. My energy, my work, even my craftiness is all being spent on my family. Like every other person in the world who is devoting all their energy to the cleaning, the cooking, the holding, the planning, the making, the care, I have mixed feelings about it. I sometimes...okay every single day....yearn for something more. I am getting the very real sense, though that if I bring my Self, boldly and brilliantly to surface, and let my colors shine, something dynamic will happen. I don't know if blogging will be a part of that. My intention is to use it as a personal tool, and exercise in using my voice, sometimes literally through videos. I don't intend to include pictures with the family, or very few, at least. This space is about my musings, and what it is to be human. My goal is to put my thoughts out there raw, unedited, and imperfect. I won't be dolling up for the videos, or polishing these sentences into perfect formation. I am more concerned about perfect and complete expression right now. I hope you'll find this space to be a place where you can express yourself without shame as well. All are welcome to comment, muse, disagree, whatever. Let's have a conversation.