I woke up this morning in a decent enough mood. Last night I had a beautiful dream, and I was hanging on to the blessing of it as I woke up to the day.
In very little time, though, the girls were jumping and shouting on the bed (oh, don't I miss waking up slow and easy), and the demands of the day started rolling in. Laundry, dishes, breakfast, baths, potty training (otherwise known as double the laundry and scrubbing the floor, couch, you name it), and then my husband comes in and says, "The truck is dead again, I have to take the car."
* TRAPPED! *
My brain starts to scream at me, "How did you get yourself into this??"
I forget how much we have and how blessed we are to have each other. I forget that the years are short even when the days feel so long. I forget that with some time, the extra scrubbing and laundry will give way to more freedom for me and for her. I forget how life used to be, back when I only dreamed of a relaxed home and family full of loving care. I forget where I am, how much of my life now is a product of the dreams of my childhood adolescence.
Was I naive about what this life would be like? Yes. Maybe.
Or maybe I just forget what it is that makes my life beautiful, the potential beauty I was looking for back then, while I'm aiming for something that isn't even desirable to me when I really think about it.
Even before I remembered these things, I rearranged my priority list and started in on a task that was more fun than the other jobs that are still sitting and waiting for me. Ever so slowly the day has gotten better.
I've been reminded several times this week that life is so much better when perfection isn't the goal. There are so many more important things than being perfect, and perfectionism just gets in the way of the real stuff.
It's time to remember that way deep down. So deep and so true that it replaces all of those ideas ingrained in me about what makes a good woman and a happy home. Even with this life we've created, I am seeing that I never did the work to uproot those unspoken rules and judgement patterns, the ones that creep up from the inside so much more than they come from the outside these days.
I'm grateful to be aware of it.
"The essence of being human is that one does not seek perfection."