Give and Receive

Written January 2012
For the last few weeks I've been spending a lot of time wading through a lot of crap I thought I was done wading through, but in an entirely new way. Early this month I approached my husband with the nagging feeling I'd been having. I simply was in need of help, mostly, I thought, to tie up the lose ends of a "sorting out" process I've been moving through for the past 7 years. I set up a consultation with Tara Wagner from the Organic Sister which catalyzed an intense and quick snowball down the mountain affect of internal manure shoveling. Yes, I just mentioned manure....I grew up on a farm. Most importantly, though, within a week of our first session, I had finally put my finger on the deep dark flesh eating parasite that was fueling so many of the inconsistencies I was manifesting in my life. It was SCARY. Like nightmare scary. And it was so worth it.

The decision I made to accept help rather than be the giver all the time...and to, yes, pay for the very specific support that I knew without a doubt that I needed was the best thing I have ever done for myself. Harnessing my bravery and sitting in that scary place, which is something I may not have been able to do for years (if ever), uncovered something that took me a while to get over. A while for me about a week (and another session). But acknowledging my needs, and responding to them, despite the frightful nature of the request I was making of myself, opened a door that has been boarded, glued, cemented, completely sealed, and it has me saying, "Hello world." "Nice to hear your voice clearly, intuition." "What's that you're telling me to do that has been so muffled even though you were screaming at me through the door? Yeah, I can do that. It doesn't seem so scary anymore."

And it has cleared my vision. Vision. I have it. Vision that makes sense for the present instead of some maybe day in the future. It's not exactly what I thought. It's not what I would have just randomly chosen, or what I had prepared for. It is mine, however, and I have direction, the first of which involves not dropping the ball on my own self care and development--ever.