I feel shame. A lot of shame. For being me. For being imperfect. For being too sensitive. For being too expressive when I allow myself to be. For being an outside the box person. Simply, for being human.
Because where is the box anyway? It's wherever we decide to put it. Most of the time for me the box is identified as my family and their belief system.
When I realized how much shame I was carrying, that was the driving force behind seeking coaching this winter. I realized the specific things I needed from that coaching later, but the recognition of my shame was what shocked me into actually talking to someone.
A lot of things were cleared up this winter, but the shame was not. It stuck around as a sort of foggy, warped glass I'd been so used to looking through that, though I couldn't quite see, still felt normal. Then I read the new post over at Pixiecambell.com and all that thinking I've been doing started to congeal and expand until now I feel that my potential, I am expanding in a way that won't tolerate that shame.
Why have I felt so guilty for being human? I had this idea that if I could just try hard enough, I'd grow enough spiritually that my humanity would, sort of, take a back seat. Why in the world did I think that? Why in the world did I want that?
Do I want to climb the mountain? You bet I do. Do I want to be God?
Sometimes I do. Or at least I want to be so tapped in that I can manipulate reality. I want it all to be real. This is the most human desire I can think of, because, don't we all wish we could manipulate reality? Don't we all wish we could will our children to health when they are sick? And don't we all wish we could always stave off catastrophes and the challenges we weren't prepared for? Or at least that we would be able to respond to them always with grace and ease?
Of course we do. And sometimes, we get to. Sometimes we have foresight and we respond to it and a dilemma is averted. Sometimes we respond to the unexpected confrontation with dignity and care. Sometimes we get to be our best selves and life is slow and beautiful.
But sometimes we will be out of alignment with our better selves. Sometimes we'll forget to be still and find that guidance from within. Sometimes we'll react poorly in the face of conflict. Sometimes we will get low, and we will feel like a perfect portrait of imperfection. It just happens.
And that's exactly it. It just happens. It happens and then it passes and we're up on the mountain again. This is part of being human.
Why do I have such a problem with being human?
I looked up the root meaning of the word human, and I like this little ditty: http://www.baltimorechronicle.com/human.html, the root of the word human is earth. The ancient people identified so much with the soil, the earth, that they called themselves after the soil. Just part of the cylce.
Isn't that lovely? The true nature of humility. We are all just part of the cycle. It's really a beautiful thing to discover that we can only do what we can do, and that we must trust others to do what they can do. All together a beautiful, earthy tapestry is woven, but when we try to be the tapestry instead of the thread it's completely overwhelming.
It brings "Simple Gifts" to mind.
"It's a gift to be simple.
It's a gift to be free.
It's a gift to come round where we ought to be.
And when we find ourselves in the place just right
'twill be in the valley of love and delight...."
Love and delight. I'll say yes to that.
Hi! It's me, Anna.
Leaving these musings here for you and me both.